Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Good morning
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.