Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.