Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

men are simple creatures

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

They’re on their honeymoon

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.