Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.