Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?