Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!