Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Feels
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
#Caturday
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.