Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”