MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut