MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
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3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My neck, my back, my…
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
what’s in a name?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
🐕🍷
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.