Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.