most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.