Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

me when somebody idk start touching me

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!