Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
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Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
these two trucks have the same bed length
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
my proudest tweet
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
#oldknees
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.