most whales are bigger than a strawberry
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Cheers Twitter.
yeah 😭
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them