Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.