Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.