Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

black phone good

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?