Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream