It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
You Might Also Like
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
scenes of unspeakable carnage
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Who.
Did.
This?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”