Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

😭😭😭

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

when you order from DoorDastardly

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Sticker placement is key.

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist