Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.