Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
📽️movie date🎞️
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
FINE, I WON’T.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.