Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.