Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

How times have changed.

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

lmao

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.