Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Looking at you, Jesus.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 馃ザ
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Kids forever killing vibes 馃拃
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you鈥檒l agree it鈥檚 one hell of an opening.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Venn
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!