Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
i want enemies
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.