Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

also my go-to takeaway order

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

me at the job i begged god for

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different