Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Never let them know your next move 😂
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.