Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
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Pat is about to own someone
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.