Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
You Might Also Like
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
These are too funny not to post 😂
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving