Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”