Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The Struggle
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.