Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this