Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

😭😭😭

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.