moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
do u think theres a butter planet?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption