Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

what are they serving at kfc then???

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window