Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.