Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.