Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

This could be us… but you playing

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’