Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air conditioning – not a fan

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.