Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
You Might Also Like
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
23. the denim jacket
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.