Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

what do you want!!!!!!!!

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

I might give this a try 😏

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy