Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”