Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

i’m so sick of this guy

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.