Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter