Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?