Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

synchronized noseblowing

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing