Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Whoops
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*