Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.