ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share
Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]
“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise