@NewDadNotes

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

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@RedRegenerated

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

@Gupton68

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

@Parker_Simpson

this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight

@Cpin42

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

@wolfpupy

if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

@fro_vo

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

@FuckabillyRex

Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share

@Sassafrantz

Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”

@BadMikeyBad

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise