Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.