mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
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Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Best spoiler warning ever
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.