mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
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The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup