Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

I might give this a try 😏

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap