mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
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Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Super Hand Dog Face
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.