Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.