Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”