Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

gentlemen, hear me out

before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

How can I say no to this ?

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

The pen is writier than the sword.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

Happy weekend !

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess