Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

👍

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

What’s a Messi?

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation