Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”