Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!
“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?
Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.
Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.