@ObscureGent

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

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@TheNYAMProject

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

@TrentoMento

Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!

“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”

@BitchyJasmine

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

@NicCageMatch

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

@robolollycop

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

@SteveSuckington

DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?

@PaperWash

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

@Parkerlawyer

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.