Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Terribly Tuesday.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one