Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Does your wife know you’re single?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Happy thanksgiving
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*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS