Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

My last name is Zilla.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up