mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Goat cheese is for herders.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them