Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.