Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
“and how does that make you feel?”
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them