Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
There’s never enough good news
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*