Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

incredible google review i just found

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water