Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Smallpox sounds so adorable