MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
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ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.