Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.