Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
this site is so cooked lol