Möther may I have a snäck
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
😅🤣😂
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce