Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Everything reminds me of my ex
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.