Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
What my back needs
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings